Nice and funny stories....

[ashley]

My name is Ashley,

I'm Uliksi's friend and neighbor. He always talks about this forum, especially about the nickname Lovely. I also recall hearing him stating that you are very funny and loveable,I wish i could speak the albanian language just to understand what 's going on because i see him laughing to himself.
So let me say one joke and add onto your so many beautiful jokes:


George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me." Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street. Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

[uliksi31]

Postimi origjinal është bërë nga ashley

My name is Ashley,

I'm Uliksi's friend and neighbor. He always talks about this forum, especially about the nickname Lovely. I also recall hearing him stating that you are very funny and loveable,I wish i could speak the albanian language just to understand what 's going on because i see him laughing to himself.
So let me say one joke and add onto your so many beautiful jokes:


George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me." Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street. Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Dear Ashly i really appreciate your consideration & participation in our forum. I'm looking forward in seeing you more often. Thankyou

[uliksi31]

Lovel, te dul zani edhe ne Amerike...Ahhahahahahaha

[lovely]

Postimi origjinal është bërë nga ashley

My name is Ashley,

I'm Uliksi's friend and neighbor. He always talks about this forum, especially about the nickname Lovely. I also recall hearing him stating that you are very funny and loveable,I wish i could speak the albanian language just to understand what 's going on because i see him laughing to himself.
So let me say one joke and add onto your so many beautiful jokes:


George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me." Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street. Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

well hello Ashley...... and welcome to our forum!!

u see, Uliksi has gone crazy lately ... all he does is think of me hahahahahahahahaha
am trying to get him to marry me but he wont....

all u gotta do is learn albanian and there is so much fun waiting for u here...now, thats not easy, so dont even start hahaha...

am glad u liked my jokes, urs was funny..:D:D:D.. now i know more about Bush
u r welcome to write jokes here as much as u want ;);)
hope to see u again Ashley.... i was gonna build u a room here, but i wasnt sure if u ever gonna come back


stay well dear,
take care

lovely

[lovely]

Postimi origjinal është bërë nga uliksi31-jr.

Lovel, te dul zani edhe ne Amerike...Ahhahahahahaha

po po zani i zi hahahahahahahahaha

mo more mos ma qit faqen e zeze, a pak m ka dal ktu a? ncncncncncncncnc


hey nime, mos fol ktu shqip, se per guhe t huja osht ktu

t shnes fort o Uliksi

[lovely]

$20.00 BILL

Sometimes we just need to be

reminded!

A well-known speaker

started off his seminar by:

Holding up a $20.00

bill in the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this

$20 bill?

Hands started going up.

He said, 'I am going to give this

$20 to one of you

but first, let me

do this.

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, 'Who

still wants it?'

Still the hands

were up in the air.

Well, he

replied, 'What if I do this?'

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

'Now, who still wants it?'

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it

because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,

we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt

by the decisions we make and

the circumstances that come

our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has

happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,

you are still

priceless to those who truly LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,

but by WHO WE ARE and

WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special

[lovely]

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've
been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the
last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me oryou
don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone..

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work..
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought
us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

[lovely]

Now this is real good one !!!!

This is one hell of a good one, u'll LOVE it!
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is really funny.

Making a baby.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really? Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' said the photographer.

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around by the dozens to get a good look'
By the dozens?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, And when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?!!!!'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.....

Hope u liked the joke?

[lovely]

Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I
find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find'
button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is noteven a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'.. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not
provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

[lovely]

Woman Are Amazing

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said,

"I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go
to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls,
took meat out of the freezer for supper the
following evening, checked the cereal box levels,
filled the sugar container,
put spoons and bowls on the table and
started the coffee pot for brewing the next
morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer,
put a load of clothes into the washer,
ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table,
put the phone back on the charger and
put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket
hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the
teacher,
counted out some cash for the excursion
pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed
and stamped the envelope
wrote a quick note for the grocery store.
She put both near her bag
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser,
put on her Night Solution & age fighting
moisturizer,
brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and
put the cat outside,
then made sure the doors were locked and patio light
was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out
their bedside lamps and radios,
hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the
hamper,
had a brief conversation with the one up still doing
homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm;
laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her 6 most important
things to do list.
She said her prayers,
and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced
to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."
And he did...without another thought .
Anything extraordinary here?

Wonder why women live longer...?
'CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL...... (and
they can't die sooner, they still have things to
do!!!!)

[lovely]

By all Means... MARRY!




DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

AnonymousI recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

[lovely]

The Good Husband


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker,
but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he
was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices
a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your
mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and
then you pu ked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

[lovely]

Officials rejected a candidate for a news broadcasters post since his voice was not fit for a news broadcaster.
He was also told that with his obnoxiously long name, he would never be famous.

He is Amitabh Bachchan.


------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

In 1962, four nervous young musicians played their first record audition for the executives of the Decca Recording Company.


The executives were not impressed. While turning down this group of musicians, one executive said, "We don't like! their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." The group was called The Beatles.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency
told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married".

She went on and became Marilyn Monroe.


------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired a singer after one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck".

He went on to become Elvis Presley.

-- - ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

A small boy--the fifth amongst seven siblings of a poor father, was selling newspapers in a small village to earn his living.

He was not exceptionally smart at school but was fascinated by religion and rockets. The first rocket he built crashed. A missile that he built crashed multiple times and he was made a butt of ridicule.

He is the person to have scripted the Space Odyssey of India single-handedly.

He is Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. President of India.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, it did not ring off the hook with calls from potential backers.

After making a demonstration call, President Rutherford Hayes said, "That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to see one of them?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb,
he tried over 2000 experiments before he got it to work.

A young reporter asked him how it felt to fail so many times.
He said, "I never failed once. I invented the light bulb.

It just happened to be a 2000-step process".

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

In the 1940s, another young inventor named Chester Carlson took his idea to 20 corporations, including some of the biggest in
the country.

They all turned him down. In 1947, after 7 long years of rejections, he finally got a tiny company in Rochester, NY, the Haloid Company, to purchase the rights to his invention--an electrostatic
paper-copying process. Haloid became Xerox Corporation.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

A little girl--the 20th of 22 children,
was born prematurely and her survival was doubtful. When she was 4 years old, she contracted double pneumonia and scarlet fever,
which left her with aparalyzed left leg.

At age 9, she removed the metal leg brace she had been dependent on and began to walk without it. By 13 she had developed a rhythmic walk, which doctors said was a miracle. That same year she decided to become a runner.

She entered a race and came in last. For the next few years every race she entered, she came in last. Everyone told her to quit, but she kept on running. One day she actually won a race. And then another. >From then on she won every race she entered. Eventually this little girl--

Wilma Rudolph, went on to win three Olympic gold medals.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -

A schoolteacher scolded a boy for not paying attention to his mathematics and for not being able to solve simple problems. She told him that you would not become anybody in life.

The boy was Albert Einstein

Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones." Remember this always in life.

[lovely]

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

............................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.....................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice

...................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

..............................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

........................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

............................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.........................

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

................................................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.................................................. ....


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.................................................. .......


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.................................................. .......


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.................................................. ...


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.............................................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

..............................................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.............................................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

............................................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

..........................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

..................................................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


.........................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

[lovely]

What's Love Got to do With it?

Every Cinderella longs to find her Prince Charming and live happily ever after.
We all want to fall in love. Why?

Because that experience makes us feel completely alive.
Our emotions get magnified, senses get heightened,
and we are flying in seventh heaven.

It may only last a moment, an hour,
a day, but that doesn't diminish its value....


But are you sure it's love that we are talking about?

Why do independent, smart women become
emotional wrecks after a romantic break-up?

Why do older men gravitate towards younger women?

Could it be estrogen and testosterone hormones
that addict us to our lovers?

In terms of mature relationships and love,
most of the times, people fail to distinguish
between the true meaning of love and lust.

Have you ever been sweeped off your feet by a man/woman
standing next to you in a queue?

Is it merely infatuation, a strong shot of chemistry, or budding love - the real thing?

Is Cupid playing a prank or bringing you true love forever?

Love at first sight is not believable.
Love takes time.
Lust at first sight sounds much more accurate.
A study done by testing the blood samples of twenty couples,
who claimed to be madly in love for less than six months,
revealed that serotonin levels of new lovers were equivalent
to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsiv e Disorder patients.

It's hard to tell if you are in love because there're no set
defining characteristics of love.
The dictionary says it's
"a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection"
or
"a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

What exactly is this feeling or attraction?

The question evoked the thought process was surprised that
i had never thought of this aspect of her relationship before.
After much silence she concluded,
"Emotions are not sufficient to suggest whether a relationship is that of love,
no matter how strong the attraction may be."
Sadly, there is not muc h awareness to distinguish between lust and love
and that is why we have so many emotional and social problems.

Since time immemorial we are hearing that love is blind.
But that's a mistake; real love is not blind.
Quite the opposite, it is a relationship in full awareness.
Over time, through good communication and wisdom,
you can start knowing your partner.
Gradually, you become aware of his/her flaws
and try to work your differences in a healthy way.

Lust, on the other hand, could be perceived
as being "blind" as it usually distorts reality,
especially when you're so involved that you don't care
to find out the real persona of your partner.

According toa psychologist,
we often idolize our partners,
magnify their virtues and find a way to explain their flaws.
This basically happens because many movies,
books and songs paint an unrealistic portrait of love,
which further builds a false perception of love in our minds.

When, a commercial pilot by profession,
was asked whether his six-year-old relationship was based
on love or lust, he was quick to reply,
"Love is full of sacrifices, trust and respect whereas
lust is built on physical attraction, fun and thrills.
Real love is commitment.
I cannot categorize my relationship
as a short sensational affair of love is in the air."

Do some real soul searching today and identify your relationship.
If you're in a relationship which does not have fondness,
respect, affection, devotion along with passion,
it would be wise to back off.
Or else, one day those wonderful romantic feelings will be gone
and you will wonder what happened to your perfect romance.
Accept the fact that you or your partner is not ready for commitment.
After all, commitment is a choice
which is backed up with actions and maturity.